Heavens Treasure

What Is Grief?

My name is Bob Schneider. This site is for my wife Carol J. Schneider, who I lost to cancer on March 28,1997.   This page I hope to be able to explain how I coped with the loss of my wife Carol. I pray this may help others who have lost a loved one. A lot of people have trouble coping. Some still wander and wonder why? Some have found means and ways at coping.   Here I will tell the way I dealt with my loss. Here I also will try and help to explain how you too, may be able understand and cope.   The first night after Carol left us I couldn't sleep. I wandered around the house looking into cubards, drawers and what anything else that I thought of looking into. Looking for what I really didn't know. Even today I don't know what I was looking for, just that I couldn't sleep. The next day, Saturday was the same, I just wandered and talked on the phone to many that called to express their feelings. Later Saturday everyone in the family showed up and we talked and wandered around the yard. That night I started wandering again and got the idea, "I wonder if I could write a poem for Carol." I got plenty of paper and a pen and sat down at the kitchen table and started thinking and taking notes. I had never writen a poem before so it took me a while to figure out how. I worked through the night without sleep again because I wanted to get the poem done for when the family would be back Sunday for our family memorial. My brother had come up for the past few weeks before Carol left and he had just gotten up when I finished my poem and read it to him. He told me it was beautiful. The title of the poem is, "We Loved." It is on a following page. I want to share it with everyone.   Later in the week I was searching for something to do and I thought why not a book of memories with cards and poems that were sent. I put everything in the book that I thought should be in it. I even included the cards that came on the many flowers that we got before and after Carol passed away. The book ended up 80 pages long. I started making notes to add after our return from taking Carol where she wanted to be, Gold Valley in the California High Sierra Mountains. A place we both loved and years before we both decided that when we crossed over that our ashes were to be scattered there in the spot where we went in the evenings to watch the stars.   I had to first get the Jeep ready for the trip as it sat for 8 years after I broke my back. I had to completly rebuild everything in 5 months. Five days before the planned date to leave I finished the Jeep. I worked day and night without much sleep and not eating properly. I lost 30 pounds during the rebuild and was already thin enough. The Jeep had to be used because of where Gold Valley was. It is in very rough 4 wheel drive country. We left August 1, 1997 and the trip was made with no trouble with the Jeep. Carol's ashes were scatterd Sunday August 3, 1997 at exactly 12 PM. Some family members could not make the trip and at exactly 12 PM they stopped what they were doing and prayed. The trip back home was with out trouble and when I got home I made notes of our total trip and later added it to the book of Memories. The book took me several weeks, but I finished it and then had copies made for everyone.   I return to Gold Valley every year to be there on the date we scatterd her ashes. The place her ashes are is now called Sacred Ridge. A Cherokee Chief friend told me that it is now Sacred ground.   On Carol's birthday November 7, 1997 most of the family got together and we wrote notes and attached them to balloons that I had gotten earlier in the day. We attached the notes and went outside. I took the phone with me because my brother was at home in California also with a balloon. When we got ready I called him and he went into his backyard with his balloon. At the same time we all released our balloons and watched as they climbed to Heaven and Carol's waiting arms. We all cried, but it was a good cry. *********************************************************** Please Note:   August 22, 2002, A person visiting this Memorial for my wife Carol E-Mailed me her regrets and sympathy and said how much she enjoyed the Memorial. She also said that she works with Sea Turtles and Whales and has seen results of sentimental gestures. Nonbiodegradeable balloons do not stay aloft forever, and most fall into the ocean, or in other waters, where they are ingested by marine life, especially Sea Turtles and Whales. They are unable to pass these through their digestive systems, and die slow horrible deaths while starving.   She is also a Hospice Volunteer. This wonderful organization supports death with dignity for humans. As a volunteer , she feels her philosophy also extends to the planet's other creatures as well and that they deserve to die a natural, or as near a natural death as possible, and not as a result of our insensitivity to their needs. I thank Shirlry R. for bringing this to light for me.  I want to suggest that we no longer release balloons, unless it is biodegradeable to the enviroment and Gods Creatures, on land as well as water.   One suggestion for one of the grief rituals by Hospice is to release a balloon with a message or prayer. Hopefully they'll remove this suggestion from their Grief Rituals.   I would have liked to remove the part of my story  about releasing the balloons, but it's part of my coping with grief.   I suggest naming a small tree in honor of your loved one and watch it grow as I did in 1997 for Carol. Thank You Shirley for visiting my Memorial for Carol and for informing me about the use of balloons. ***********************************************************   I always remember and get Carol a Birthday card, Christmas card or any card when the thought would accure. I even get her a card just to get her one. I would always read them to her photograph in the living room. I also always buy her a Birthday present and Christmas present. Something she would love.   I had help from no outside source even though it was offered to me. Later I read about Grief Rituals and what to do. I had started doing exactly what was suggested. A list of the suggested Grief Rituals is below. I have done just about all of them without knowing.   If you have lost a loved one my words here and the Suggested Grief Rituals may be of some help to you. The important thing is to talk about your loved one, your love, your interests together, things she did to make you laugh, things you did together. Anything to remember. It is impossiable to try and forget the past. I don't want to ever forget. I always want to remember the love and the fun we had together. Our good times and our sad times. These are all ways to cope with a loss. Don't keep quiet about the love you once had and lost.   Three days after Carol passed away I took her wedding band to the Jewelers and had it resized to fit my left pinky finger. I still wear mine and Carol's this day. The Grief Rituals are next. I got the list from the Local Hospice here. If you would like a copy either print this page out or call or go to your local Hospice office. They will be happy to help you. They can even help you with dealing with grief. Persons who have recently suffered a loss may experience one or more of the following feelings:           * Emptiness in the stomach, loss of appetite.           * Guilt and anger at the loved one for leaving them.           * Heaviness in the chest and tightness in the throat when talking              or thinking about the loved one.           * Feeling that the loss isn't real; that it didn't happen.           * Crying at unexpected times.           * Difficulty sleeping.           * Need to talk constantly about their loved one and/or              preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased.           * Restlessness and difficulty in concentration.           * Sensing the presence of a loved one, i,e, hearing their voices              or seeing their face.           * Feeling "out of place" when with others. These are normal grief reactions. If you would like help coping with these feelings please call Hospice Services in your area.                                   Grief Rituals   The value of creating "GRIEF RITUALS" is to help us REMEMBER our loved ones in loving healing ways and with a sence of peace. Too often, bereaved individuals feel they must "hold on" to pain, seemingly forever, in order to remember those they love. Some examples of rituals are listed below.  REMEMBER: IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO CREATE A RITUAL YOURSELF OR TOGETHER WITH FAMILY THAT WILL HAVE THE MOST MEANING AND HEALING SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE. * Buy a very special candle and light it at times that are special to          your loved one's Memory, i,e, Birhday, Mother's Day,                        Father's Day, Anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New                Years, Easter, The Day They Left, etc.. * Write special notes in baloons and let them go. * Help feed the hungry/homeless at Thanksgiving, Holidays, etc.. * Create a scrapbook of memories/photos....A Memory Book. * Donate gifts, quilts, etc. In the loved one's name. * Plant a strong, healthy Tree or Rose in the loved one's name. * Find a tree in the canyons or woods, tie a yellow ribbon                      around, go frequently to remember (this is especially helpful               when ashes have been scattered and there is no gravesite.                    I brought a large rock home from the Creek that flows next to            Sacred Ridge and painted Carol's name and dates on it and then        the following year took it back and placed it on Sacred Ridge. * Let balloons go along with a prayer or special wish to the loved one. Please use a biodegradeable balloon if you do. * Offer a scholarhip in the loved one's name. * On Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries,etc., buy your loved one            a gift and donate it to a hospital, nursing home, etc.. * Christmas stockings - hang one up for a loved one and have               everyone write a special note to put inside. * Buy a Christmas ornament each year to remember your loved one. * If you go on a trip at a special anniversary time, do something            special to remember your loved one on the trip (i,e, toss a rose in       the ocean, light a candle). * Have a wedding ring made into a new setting for a necklace, etc * Have a birthday party for your loved one on his/her birthsday. * Have a family "Memory" evening where you share pictures,                reminise about special times, create a scrapbook of memories, etc. The Grief Feelings and The Grief Rituals I received from my local Hospice Service. They can help you too.

PLEASE Feel free to E-Mail me at any time

This page was last updated on: March 7, 2006